Entry tags:
(no subject)
Sometimes it's a little hard to comprehend that Rey has been in this place for two years now. Time has flown by, and she has accomplished so much between going to school and restoring her motorcycle. She has her mechanic's license now, and she knows that someday she'll open her own auto shop. Maybe it isn't quite as exciting as saving the galaxy, but she likes the life that she's created here, the one with Ben in it, alive and well.
There are even some days where she gets bored. There was plenty of downtime in Jakku, but she never really had the luxury of being bored. There was always something to do, something to find, something to run from. Here, that isn't the case. Darrow may be very strange and come with dangers of its own, but it's probably the safest place that she's ever been.
It's boredom that leads to her wandering downtown one afternoon, eating from a bag of candy while she window shops. They aren't wealthy, but Rey never has to wonder where her next meal is coming from, or if she'll have a roof over her head. When she sees things that she likes, she can usually buy them, as her tastes are far from extravagant. Shopping is something that she can do now, something that's fun, even if she doesn't end up actually purchasing too much.
When she passes by a store selling fancy underwear and bras, something makes her stop and look at the window display. Perhaps it's how the place is all done up for Valentine's Day. The mannequins are wearing underwear that looks strappy and uncomplicated and the signs are all telling Rey how she should buy them for that special someone. Ben comes to mind, and she keeps her thoughts on the matter to herself, wondering if maybe she could surprise him. He has never expressed interest in seeing her in fancy underwear, but she thinks that maybe he'd like it. He is a man, after all.
She decides that in any case, it'd be fun, so after a brief time spent with a helpful saleswoman, Rey leaves the store with a delicate pink bag hanging from one arm and heads home. The place is empty when she gets there, which isn't a surprise, but she knows that Ben will be home soon so she heads into the bathroom to undress and pull the lingerie out of the bag.
"Well, this is complicated," she tells herself, frowning at all the straps and hooks on the delicate lace. She manages to get the bra and panties on easily enough, and then the stockings, but it's all the rest of it that she's having a little trouble with. She's still fiddling with the useless belt when the door opens and Ben steps through, and she pops her head up to call out to him through the closed bathroom door. "Hey, I'm in here. I'll be out in a minute!"
There are even some days where she gets bored. There was plenty of downtime in Jakku, but she never really had the luxury of being bored. There was always something to do, something to find, something to run from. Here, that isn't the case. Darrow may be very strange and come with dangers of its own, but it's probably the safest place that she's ever been.
It's boredom that leads to her wandering downtown one afternoon, eating from a bag of candy while she window shops. They aren't wealthy, but Rey never has to wonder where her next meal is coming from, or if she'll have a roof over her head. When she sees things that she likes, she can usually buy them, as her tastes are far from extravagant. Shopping is something that she can do now, something that's fun, even if she doesn't end up actually purchasing too much.
When she passes by a store selling fancy underwear and bras, something makes her stop and look at the window display. Perhaps it's how the place is all done up for Valentine's Day. The mannequins are wearing underwear that looks strappy and uncomplicated and the signs are all telling Rey how she should buy them for that special someone. Ben comes to mind, and she keeps her thoughts on the matter to herself, wondering if maybe she could surprise him. He has never expressed interest in seeing her in fancy underwear, but she thinks that maybe he'd like it. He is a man, after all.
She decides that in any case, it'd be fun, so after a brief time spent with a helpful saleswoman, Rey leaves the store with a delicate pink bag hanging from one arm and heads home. The place is empty when she gets there, which isn't a surprise, but she knows that Ben will be home soon so she heads into the bathroom to undress and pull the lingerie out of the bag.
"Well, this is complicated," she tells herself, frowning at all the straps and hooks on the delicate lace. She manages to get the bra and panties on easily enough, and then the stockings, but it's all the rest of it that she's having a little trouble with. She's still fiddling with the useless belt when the door opens and Ben steps through, and she pops her head up to call out to him through the closed bathroom door. "Hey, I'm in here. I'll be out in a minute!"
Entry tags:
(no subject)
Studying for her GED test is somehow one of the most rudimentary and difficult things that she's done in some time. Her lack of knowledge about Earth is the only real hindrance, and they seem to be things that the other people in her study group all seem to already know. It isn't difficult to learn, but it slows her down.
As does the class she decided to take. She could have studied on her own, but if she's going to attend a trade school, she thought it would allow to familiarize herself with a classroom type setting, which is something entirely new to her. It is a lot less regulated than she might have thought.
After most of them pass a practice test, someone suggests that they go for celebratory drinks. Rey found herself swept up in it, agreeing only somewhat awkwardly, because while she loves having friends, she still isn't all that great at making them outside of a crisis situation. That whole trauma bond thing really kicks off the relationship. Making friends with women whose greatest crisis is their lipstick shade being discontinued (condolences to Shelley) is a little harder. But not impossible.
They wind up at a bar not all that far from her building, and someone buys shots, and then someone buys another round of shots, and then Rey buys a round of shots, and then she's drunk. Kind of very drunk, and this place doesn't even have a good food menu. What's the point of going to a bar that doesn't sell nachos?
God, she wants some nachos.
When her partying study buddies start to grow tiresome, Rey scrunches her nose and everything goes quiet because Ben is suddenly sitting on a bar stool with a book in his hand. It looks dusty, which isn't all that of a surprise.
"I want nachos," she says out loud to Ben, and she shushes Matt the close talker when he tries to respond to her. Rey stands up from the table and heads towards the bar, wobbling only a little. "Will you come get me? And we can go get nachos?"
There's a coaster on the bar, and Rey picks it up and holds it next to her face as she points at the name, giving him a sunny, hopeful, (semi-drunk) smile. "I am here."
As does the class she decided to take. She could have studied on her own, but if she's going to attend a trade school, she thought it would allow to familiarize herself with a classroom type setting, which is something entirely new to her. It is a lot less regulated than she might have thought.
After most of them pass a practice test, someone suggests that they go for celebratory drinks. Rey found herself swept up in it, agreeing only somewhat awkwardly, because while she loves having friends, she still isn't all that great at making them outside of a crisis situation. That whole trauma bond thing really kicks off the relationship. Making friends with women whose greatest crisis is their lipstick shade being discontinued (condolences to Shelley) is a little harder. But not impossible.
They wind up at a bar not all that far from her building, and someone buys shots, and then someone buys another round of shots, and then Rey buys a round of shots, and then she's drunk. Kind of very drunk, and this place doesn't even have a good food menu. What's the point of going to a bar that doesn't sell nachos?
God, she wants some nachos.
When her partying study buddies start to grow tiresome, Rey scrunches her nose and everything goes quiet because Ben is suddenly sitting on a bar stool with a book in his hand. It looks dusty, which isn't all that of a surprise.
"I want nachos," she says out loud to Ben, and she shushes Matt the close talker when he tries to respond to her. Rey stands up from the table and heads towards the bar, wobbling only a little. "Will you come get me? And we can go get nachos?"
There's a coaster on the bar, and Rey picks it up and holds it next to her face as she points at the name, giving him a sunny, hopeful, (semi-drunk) smile. "I am here."
Entry tags:
and with a stroke of her saber
Things have been going well. That probably should have rung in her head like warning bells, but it didn't. Maybe this place is making her too soft.
Rey is on the Falcon one night, because she got in an idea in her head about how she might be able to repurpose some a parts to try and make a repulsorlift for her bike. She kind of likes it how it is now, with its primitive rubber wheels, but an upgrade might be nice. Plus, she did tell Anakin that she would try.
She becomes so focused on her task that by the time she comes out of it enough to check the time, it's already so late at night and she's so tired. After checking in with Ben through the bond to let him know her plans, she goes to crawl into her preferred bunk. She'll get a few hours of sleep, and then go back to town at dawn.
Sleep comes easily to her, but it does not stay peaceful.
Rey dreams. This is not unusual, except for the fact that she's had this dream before, and it wasn't a dream. It was a vision.
Rey is on Exegol, dressed all in black. There is a hood over her head and a saber in her hand, and she walks with purpose. She strides, really, with her chin held high and a smile on her face. She makes all the way up to the top of the Sith throne without hesitation, and takes her seat next to Ben.
No, not Ben. It's Rey and Kylo Ren. Empress and Emperor.
Thousands of Sith rise up below them, and their cheer sounds more like a roar. A declaration of intent. An oath. Rey ignites her lightsaber and smiles, teeth sharp and face lit up in red.
The world belongs to her now.
A scream is what finally wakes Rey up, and it takes her a long moment to realize that it's coming from her. Even as she wakes up, the vision doesn't stop. It keeps on going, plaguing her mind with images of her tearing apart worlds just to watch them burn. She grabs her saber and stuffs her feet into her boots, runs out of the Falcon and into the misty rain, and it keeps going.
Palpatine's laugh rings in her head so loud that it makes her dizzy. It feels like it's pressing in on her from all sides, like it's echoing throughout the entire city.
The time has come. You will ascend.
You will take the throne. It is your birthright to rule here. It is in your blood. Our blood.
I wanted you here, Empress Palpatine.
Rey lets out a wild scream into the rain, chest burning as she keeps running, feeling compelled to do so. Her feet know where they are going before she does, but maybe she just doesn't want to acknowledge it, because it can't be true. It can't be here.
You will take the throne.
She tears through the forest, tripping over gnarled roots and fallen branches, and when she finally makes it to a clearing overlooking the sea, near where her and Ben sometimes train together, she sees it. There under the glowing light of the moon, shining in the rain, it sits.
The Throne of the Sith, with all it's cruel, horrible points carved into stone. It's not something that Rey thought that she would ever see again, and she lets out another cry of terror as she falls to her knees before it. She destroyed it, once. She'll just have to do it again.
She can practically hear the chanting of the Sith as she throws her hand in front of her and sends out a burst of electric energy. The tendrils of lightning curl around the stone but do nothing, and Rey screams louder as she forces more of her power into the act. She wants it gone. It has to be gone.
Her teeth grit against the onslaught and she yells through it, even as the lightning shoots up from the throne and into the sky like a beacon, crackling through the air like thunder claps.
It is in your blood.
"No!" She cries out into the night, into the Force, to anyone who will listen. "I don't want it!"
Rey is on the Falcon one night, because she got in an idea in her head about how she might be able to repurpose some a parts to try and make a repulsorlift for her bike. She kind of likes it how it is now, with its primitive rubber wheels, but an upgrade might be nice. Plus, she did tell Anakin that she would try.
She becomes so focused on her task that by the time she comes out of it enough to check the time, it's already so late at night and she's so tired. After checking in with Ben through the bond to let him know her plans, she goes to crawl into her preferred bunk. She'll get a few hours of sleep, and then go back to town at dawn.
Sleep comes easily to her, but it does not stay peaceful.
Rey dreams. This is not unusual, except for the fact that she's had this dream before, and it wasn't a dream. It was a vision.
Rey is on Exegol, dressed all in black. There is a hood over her head and a saber in her hand, and she walks with purpose. She strides, really, with her chin held high and a smile on her face. She makes all the way up to the top of the Sith throne without hesitation, and takes her seat next to Ben.
No, not Ben. It's Rey and Kylo Ren. Empress and Emperor.
Thousands of Sith rise up below them, and their cheer sounds more like a roar. A declaration of intent. An oath. Rey ignites her lightsaber and smiles, teeth sharp and face lit up in red.
The world belongs to her now.
A scream is what finally wakes Rey up, and it takes her a long moment to realize that it's coming from her. Even as she wakes up, the vision doesn't stop. It keeps on going, plaguing her mind with images of her tearing apart worlds just to watch them burn. She grabs her saber and stuffs her feet into her boots, runs out of the Falcon and into the misty rain, and it keeps going.
Palpatine's laugh rings in her head so loud that it makes her dizzy. It feels like it's pressing in on her from all sides, like it's echoing throughout the entire city.
The time has come. You will ascend.
You will take the throne. It is your birthright to rule here. It is in your blood. Our blood.
I wanted you here, Empress Palpatine.
Rey lets out a wild scream into the rain, chest burning as she keeps running, feeling compelled to do so. Her feet know where they are going before she does, but maybe she just doesn't want to acknowledge it, because it can't be true. It can't be here.
You will take the throne.
She tears through the forest, tripping over gnarled roots and fallen branches, and when she finally makes it to a clearing overlooking the sea, near where her and Ben sometimes train together, she sees it. There under the glowing light of the moon, shining in the rain, it sits.
The Throne of the Sith, with all it's cruel, horrible points carved into stone. It's not something that Rey thought that she would ever see again, and she lets out another cry of terror as she falls to her knees before it. She destroyed it, once. She'll just have to do it again.
She can practically hear the chanting of the Sith as she throws her hand in front of her and sends out a burst of electric energy. The tendrils of lightning curl around the stone but do nothing, and Rey screams louder as she forces more of her power into the act. She wants it gone. It has to be gone.
Her teeth grit against the onslaught and she yells through it, even as the lightning shoots up from the throne and into the sky like a beacon, crackling through the air like thunder claps.
It is in your blood.
"No!" She cries out into the night, into the Force, to anyone who will listen. "I don't want it!"
Entry tags:
[for ben]
After Rey has come home from working on her bike, showered, and fed herself, she ends up being terribly bored. It's a little late but not that late, and she isn't really all that tired, so she does what she always does when she's bored and lonely. She opens the bond.
With a blink, she's standing in Ben's bedroom. He's sprawled on his back in nothing but his underwear with a book on his chest, fast asleep, and Rey's heart nearly bursts with fondness. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps, and she knows that she should probably let him rest, but she finds herself moving closer to the bed.
If she misses him, surely he misses her back, right? He'd probably be pleased to see her, even if it means being woken up.
At least she can make sure that it's a pleasant awakening.
Carefully, she plucks the book from his chest saves his place with the bookmark on his nightstand. After setting the book down, she crawls onto the bed and straddles his waist, leaning over him to press a few soft kisses to his face. One to his cheek, another to his brow, and one to the corner of his mouth.
"Ben," she whispers, grinning as she feels him start to stir. She kisses the tip of his nose and slides her hand down his flank, tucking her fingertips into the waistband of his underwear. "Ben, wake up. I'm bored."
With a blink, she's standing in Ben's bedroom. He's sprawled on his back in nothing but his underwear with a book on his chest, fast asleep, and Rey's heart nearly bursts with fondness. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps, and she knows that she should probably let him rest, but she finds herself moving closer to the bed.
If she misses him, surely he misses her back, right? He'd probably be pleased to see her, even if it means being woken up.
At least she can make sure that it's a pleasant awakening.
Carefully, she plucks the book from his chest saves his place with the bookmark on his nightstand. After setting the book down, she crawls onto the bed and straddles his waist, leaning over him to press a few soft kisses to his face. One to his cheek, another to his brow, and one to the corner of his mouth.
"Ben," she whispers, grinning as she feels him start to stir. She kisses the tip of his nose and slides her hand down his flank, tucking her fingertips into the waistband of his underwear. "Ben, wake up. I'm bored."
Entry tags:
but i’m a fire and i’ll keep your brittle heart warm (for ben)
When Rey's eyes flutter open upon waking, she immediately shuts them again as she shifts to avoid the light streaming through the window. With a flick of her wrist, the curtains slide shut and sighs as the room dims around her.
She stretches, feeling a pleasant soreness in her muscles that comes from a long, hard day's work. It's only when she turns to the side and sees Ben asleep next to her that she realizes that she isn't in her bed, which is definitely where she fell asleep the previous night, and the night before that.
A project at the junk yard had taken up her attention, and perhaps the bond knew how much she missed being in Ben's presence. She is always aware of him, settled firmly in her mind in a way that's become wholly comforting, but she hasn't seen him in days.
Once she's more awake, she can feel the hum of the bond, drowning out noise around them until she can't even hear the birds that chirp outside of his window in the mornings. Ben is still asleep, with the sheet draped around his hips to reveal his bare torso, so Rey curls up on her side and lets herself look at him.
Eventually looking isn't enough for her so she shifts closer, smiling to herself as she gently trails a fingertip down the length of his arm. It won't take much to wake him, she knows, so she's careful in her movements. Her fingertip moves to the center of his broad chest, and she flattens her palm there as she leans in to press a kiss to his shoulder.
Touching him through the bond is an experience all its own, like a warm tingling throughout her body. It's the perfect thing for a lazy morning, and she lets her palm glide down his stomach as she noses along the inside of his bicep just to take in the musky smell of him, warm with sleep.
"Ben," she whispers, pausing the downward slide of her hand when she reaches the waistband of his underwear. For a moment she considers diving under the sheets to wake him up with her mouth, but she knows he wouldn't sleep through that, so she circles his navel with her thumb instead. "Wake up, sleepy head."
She stretches, feeling a pleasant soreness in her muscles that comes from a long, hard day's work. It's only when she turns to the side and sees Ben asleep next to her that she realizes that she isn't in her bed, which is definitely where she fell asleep the previous night, and the night before that.
A project at the junk yard had taken up her attention, and perhaps the bond knew how much she missed being in Ben's presence. She is always aware of him, settled firmly in her mind in a way that's become wholly comforting, but she hasn't seen him in days.
Once she's more awake, she can feel the hum of the bond, drowning out noise around them until she can't even hear the birds that chirp outside of his window in the mornings. Ben is still asleep, with the sheet draped around his hips to reveal his bare torso, so Rey curls up on her side and lets herself look at him.
Eventually looking isn't enough for her so she shifts closer, smiling to herself as she gently trails a fingertip down the length of his arm. It won't take much to wake him, she knows, so she's careful in her movements. Her fingertip moves to the center of his broad chest, and she flattens her palm there as she leans in to press a kiss to his shoulder.
Touching him through the bond is an experience all its own, like a warm tingling throughout her body. It's the perfect thing for a lazy morning, and she lets her palm glide down his stomach as she noses along the inside of his bicep just to take in the musky smell of him, warm with sleep.
"Ben," she whispers, pausing the downward slide of her hand when she reaches the waistband of his underwear. For a moment she considers diving under the sheets to wake him up with her mouth, but she knows he wouldn't sleep through that, so she circles his navel with her thumb instead. "Wake up, sleepy head."
Entry tags:
(no subject)
While out doing her normal grocery shopping, Rey buys a bottle of whiskey. She isn't even sure what compels her to do it, because she has never had a drop of alcohol before in her life.
She knows, in theory, what alcohol can do to a person. Never once in her life has she felt like she was safe enough to let her guard down like that.
Until now, apparently.
After dropping the rest of her things off at her apartment, Rey takes the bottle and heads instead for the Falcon. It's a beautiful night for a walk, so she takes her time with it. As she does, she amuses herself by sending subtle hints to Ben through the bond, trying to send him the urge to follow her without actually asking outright.
When she reaches the massive ship, she heads for the booth. On the table their last game of Dejarik sits unfinished, and Rey smiles to herself as she sets the bottle down next to it.
It's your move.
She knows, in theory, what alcohol can do to a person. Never once in her life has she felt like she was safe enough to let her guard down like that.
Until now, apparently.
After dropping the rest of her things off at her apartment, Rey takes the bottle and heads instead for the Falcon. It's a beautiful night for a walk, so she takes her time with it. As she does, she amuses herself by sending subtle hints to Ben through the bond, trying to send him the urge to follow her without actually asking outright.
When she reaches the massive ship, she heads for the booth. On the table their last game of Dejarik sits unfinished, and Rey smiles to herself as she sets the bottle down next to it.
It's your move.
Entry tags:
[for ben]
When Rey first arrived in Darrow, she had been a bit overwhelmed by all the amenities suddenly at her disposal. Running water was what confounded her the most, because it stunned her to see something so precious just always there, whenever she wanted it. For the first few days, she was careful to waste as little as possible, but as time passed she eased up bit by bit, until a quick shower stopped making her feel guilty.
This shower, the one she's taking now, isn't quick. She had worked in the junk yard all day, tearing apart a car and putting it back together entirely by hand, under the watchful eye of the owner. He had seemed impressed, and begrudgingly offered her use of the space as long as she paid for the entrance fee and any parts she broke.
The day's events had left her dirty and sore, so she takes her time in the shower, washing herself clean and letting the hot water loosen her muscles. The more she relaxes, the more her thoughts start to drift. And they drift, as they so often do, to Ben.
She hasn't seen him over the past few days, as busy as she's been with her study of mechanics, and she misses him. He's there, in this city and in her mind, but she misses him still. Right now, specifically, she misses his mouth. It's practically sinful, that mouth, and Rey leans back against the cool tile, letting her eyes fall shut as her hand slides down her flat stomach, drifting lower and lower.
Touching herself doesn't hold quite the same appeal now that she knows what it's like to have Ben touch her, but maybe it is because of that knowledge that heat flares between her legs more often than it ever has. Rey didn't have time for such trivial things on Jakku, but know she does. Now she knows.
So she lets her fingers drift down between her legs, letting out a soft sigh as she thinks of him. The other half of her dyad. The other part of her, and his beautiful, beautiful mouth.
This shower, the one she's taking now, isn't quick. She had worked in the junk yard all day, tearing apart a car and putting it back together entirely by hand, under the watchful eye of the owner. He had seemed impressed, and begrudgingly offered her use of the space as long as she paid for the entrance fee and any parts she broke.
The day's events had left her dirty and sore, so she takes her time in the shower, washing herself clean and letting the hot water loosen her muscles. The more she relaxes, the more her thoughts start to drift. And they drift, as they so often do, to Ben.
She hasn't seen him over the past few days, as busy as she's been with her study of mechanics, and she misses him. He's there, in this city and in her mind, but she misses him still. Right now, specifically, she misses his mouth. It's practically sinful, that mouth, and Rey leans back against the cool tile, letting her eyes fall shut as her hand slides down her flat stomach, drifting lower and lower.
Touching herself doesn't hold quite the same appeal now that she knows what it's like to have Ben touch her, but maybe it is because of that knowledge that heat flares between her legs more often than it ever has. Rey didn't have time for such trivial things on Jakku, but know she does. Now she knows.
So she lets her fingers drift down between her legs, letting out a soft sigh as she thinks of him. The other half of her dyad. The other part of her, and his beautiful, beautiful mouth.
Entry tags:
[for jyn]
Rey hasn't left the Falcon in over a day.
After Ben left the previous night, she tried to get some sleep, but it was impossible. All she could do was think about everything she had remembered and all that came after. She laid there in the bunk she had claimed for herself and realized that not only did she now know what it feels like to be wrapped up in Ben Solo's arms, but she missed it the moment it stopped.
She spends most of the day lost in her thoughts, and now she's lounging on the padded seat at the table and poking at a Dejarik game that had been left abandoned. The sudden sound of the access ramp being opened makes her spine straighten, and she wonders if maybe it's him, if he's come back, even though she knows she would have sensed him approaching.
Seeing Jyn come onto the ship isn't a disappointment, not in the slightest, but it does make her realize that she has let herself spend the day languishing in her thoughts without doing a single productive thing. It might be the first time in her life that she has ever done such thing.
"Jyn, hi," she says with a tired but genuine smile, dragging herself into a sitting position as she turns off the game's projection.
After Ben left the previous night, she tried to get some sleep, but it was impossible. All she could do was think about everything she had remembered and all that came after. She laid there in the bunk she had claimed for herself and realized that not only did she now know what it feels like to be wrapped up in Ben Solo's arms, but she missed it the moment it stopped.
She spends most of the day lost in her thoughts, and now she's lounging on the padded seat at the table and poking at a Dejarik game that had been left abandoned. The sudden sound of the access ramp being opened makes her spine straighten, and she wonders if maybe it's him, if he's come back, even though she knows she would have sensed him approaching.
Seeing Jyn come onto the ship isn't a disappointment, not in the slightest, but it does make her realize that she has let herself spend the day languishing in her thoughts without doing a single productive thing. It might be the first time in her life that she has ever done such thing.
"Jyn, hi," she says with a tired but genuine smile, dragging herself into a sitting position as she turns off the game's projection.
Entry tags:
[for ben]
She can't sleep.
For hours, she's tried but something is keeping her awake, some gnawing thing that she can't seem to identify. She gets up to make tea, padding silently through her too big apartment in a pajama set that felt had like a particularly decadent purchase, a soft pink silk tank with thin straps and matching shorts.
Boy shorts, the sales woman had called them. They don't look like anything she's ever seen a boy wear, but she didn't argue. She had thought the set was pretty, and she keeps telling herself that it's okay to get something just because it was pretty. And if a part of the reason she gets it is because maybe she'd like someone else to see it someday, well, she doesn't think on it too hard.
After drinking a cup of tea and doing a little reading, she tries again to go to sleep, but it's futile. She feels too warm, stretched out on one side of the bed with a sheet draped across her legs, and she closes her eyes again to avoid staring up at the ceiling.
She feels so restless, and she allows herself to wonder what Ben is doing, if he's tossing and turning like she is. She thinks of him so often, in a multitude of ways, but right now she thinks of him fondly, wondering what he might look like when he sleeps.
Rey is so busy wondering, in fact, that she doesn't even notice when the mattress subtly dips with added weight.
For hours, she's tried but something is keeping her awake, some gnawing thing that she can't seem to identify. She gets up to make tea, padding silently through her too big apartment in a pajama set that felt had like a particularly decadent purchase, a soft pink silk tank with thin straps and matching shorts.
Boy shorts, the sales woman had called them. They don't look like anything she's ever seen a boy wear, but she didn't argue. She had thought the set was pretty, and she keeps telling herself that it's okay to get something just because it was pretty. And if a part of the reason she gets it is because maybe she'd like someone else to see it someday, well, she doesn't think on it too hard.
After drinking a cup of tea and doing a little reading, she tries again to go to sleep, but it's futile. She feels too warm, stretched out on one side of the bed with a sheet draped across her legs, and she closes her eyes again to avoid staring up at the ceiling.
She feels so restless, and she allows herself to wonder what Ben is doing, if he's tossing and turning like she is. She thinks of him so often, in a multitude of ways, but right now she thinks of him fondly, wondering what he might look like when he sleeps.
Rey is so busy wondering, in fact, that she doesn't even notice when the mattress subtly dips with added weight.
Entry tags:
(no subject)
She isn't even doing anything particularly interesting when it happens.
Rey is on the Falcon, sitting in the cockpit and eating a burrito while watching the sunset, unbothered by the rice and beans that spill onto the floor because she knows that a porg will snatch up every crumb. It's a perfectly normal evening, where she isn't particularly in a good mood or a bad one, neither sad or happy. She just simply is.
Another bite of burrito, swallowed and washed down with a gulp of water, and then suddenly her mind is taken over. All she can see in her mind is darkness as she remembers what it felt like to die, and the burrito falls to the floor. A group of porgs titter loudly in celebration and swarm it, but she cannot hear them, cannot see them, because she is lost in her own mind.
Darkness. Nothingness. And then, suddenly, everything.
She is looking up at Ben Solo's face as he holds her, breathing in a breath that feels cool and cleansing as her hand covers his on her stomach. He is staring at her and she stares back, understanding what he has just done for her. It's immense relief, it's a surging joy, it's an overwhelming sense of rightness like nothing she has ever felt in her life. A oneness that cannot be denied, or destroyed, or taken. She is where she is meant to be and she's so grateful, so overwhelmed, and she kisses him because it feels like the right thing to do, the only thing she can do, the only thing she wants.
Rey kisses Ben Solo and he smiles like she is the sun and it's the first time he's ever felt it on his skin. He smiles like he feels it too, and there is this overwhelming surge of what she's been searching for her entire life. Belonging. Completion.
They are whole.
But then his smile fades and he falls away from her, going limp against the cold ground, and it's like the coin has been flipped. The sense of completion is being ripped away and she cries, clutching at his hand, because how can she lose this so quickly? How can she lose him like this?
How is over, when it has only barely just begun?
But Ben is gone. She watches with blurred vision as the Force envelops him, taking him away. From her. From everything. Rey is alone, like she is always alone, and the sob that racks her body is unlike everything she's ever felt. It's like a limb has been ripped from her body, a deep, tearing pain from which she will never recover. But then--
I will always be with you.
A voice, Ben's voice, inside her head. He lives inside of her now, with all of the rest of them, and she takes a breath. And then another, and another, until she can make her body move from where she was so sure it would be frozen for the rest of time. She breathes, and she moves, and she stands, picking up the lightsabers from where they fell.
"No one's ever really gone," she says, and then she flees the spot where she was killed and then reborn, because of him. Her other half. She leaves without him. She makes herself leave.
Flying to the base is a white-knuckled blur, but at the end of the journey is relief. Finn greets her, and she feels the fluttering panic, like a terrified bird behind her rib cage, start to recede. They're safe. Finn, Poe, Chewie, Rose. They're alive. They're alive and she hugs them and she revels in this joy, because they're all alive, except for those who aren't.
There's a desert, hot and dry and barren in a familiar way that soaks into her skin, but she is free. It is her chose to be in this desert, to pay homage, to honor and respect, and she stares down into the sand as it parts for her, stares at the lightsabers she buries because there are no bodies, and she stands.
Who are you?
It used to be such a loaded question, but she looks over at them, Luke and Leia, finding comfort in their presence, and she knows.
She knows.
"Rey Skywalker," she gasps out, panting like she's run a marathon. Her cheeks are wet and she looks out across the countryside, colors dimmed by twilight. She's crying and she can't stop, not until the sun dips below the horizon, and then she screams, overcome by a blinding rage. It's enough to send the porgs scurrying away, enough that it feels as if the entire Falcon is rattling from the force of it.
When she's done screaming, she realizes that the bond has snapped open and Ben is there, staring at her. Her chest is heaving and her face is wet and when she sees him, she wants to scream again, but she doesn't.
"Come to the Falcon," she demands, sounding wrecked, like she's been ripped apart and sewn back together. "Right now."
And then she slams the bond shut, feeling it echo inside of her mind as she lets out another loud yell, because she doesn't know what else to do with everything suddenly inside of her.
Rey is on the Falcon, sitting in the cockpit and eating a burrito while watching the sunset, unbothered by the rice and beans that spill onto the floor because she knows that a porg will snatch up every crumb. It's a perfectly normal evening, where she isn't particularly in a good mood or a bad one, neither sad or happy. She just simply is.
Another bite of burrito, swallowed and washed down with a gulp of water, and then suddenly her mind is taken over. All she can see in her mind is darkness as she remembers what it felt like to die, and the burrito falls to the floor. A group of porgs titter loudly in celebration and swarm it, but she cannot hear them, cannot see them, because she is lost in her own mind.
Darkness. Nothingness. And then, suddenly, everything.
She is looking up at Ben Solo's face as he holds her, breathing in a breath that feels cool and cleansing as her hand covers his on her stomach. He is staring at her and she stares back, understanding what he has just done for her. It's immense relief, it's a surging joy, it's an overwhelming sense of rightness like nothing she has ever felt in her life. A oneness that cannot be denied, or destroyed, or taken. She is where she is meant to be and she's so grateful, so overwhelmed, and she kisses him because it feels like the right thing to do, the only thing she can do, the only thing she wants.
Rey kisses Ben Solo and he smiles like she is the sun and it's the first time he's ever felt it on his skin. He smiles like he feels it too, and there is this overwhelming surge of what she's been searching for her entire life. Belonging. Completion.
They are whole.
But then his smile fades and he falls away from her, going limp against the cold ground, and it's like the coin has been flipped. The sense of completion is being ripped away and she cries, clutching at his hand, because how can she lose this so quickly? How can she lose him like this?
How is over, when it has only barely just begun?
But Ben is gone. She watches with blurred vision as the Force envelops him, taking him away. From her. From everything. Rey is alone, like she is always alone, and the sob that racks her body is unlike everything she's ever felt. It's like a limb has been ripped from her body, a deep, tearing pain from which she will never recover. But then--
I will always be with you.
A voice, Ben's voice, inside her head. He lives inside of her now, with all of the rest of them, and she takes a breath. And then another, and another, until she can make her body move from where she was so sure it would be frozen for the rest of time. She breathes, and she moves, and she stands, picking up the lightsabers from where they fell.
"No one's ever really gone," she says, and then she flees the spot where she was killed and then reborn, because of him. Her other half. She leaves without him. She makes herself leave.
Flying to the base is a white-knuckled blur, but at the end of the journey is relief. Finn greets her, and she feels the fluttering panic, like a terrified bird behind her rib cage, start to recede. They're safe. Finn, Poe, Chewie, Rose. They're alive. They're alive and she hugs them and she revels in this joy, because they're all alive, except for those who aren't.
There's a desert, hot and dry and barren in a familiar way that soaks into her skin, but she is free. It is her chose to be in this desert, to pay homage, to honor and respect, and she stares down into the sand as it parts for her, stares at the lightsabers she buries because there are no bodies, and she stands.
Who are you?
It used to be such a loaded question, but she looks over at them, Luke and Leia, finding comfort in their presence, and she knows.
She knows.
"Rey Skywalker," she gasps out, panting like she's run a marathon. Her cheeks are wet and she looks out across the countryside, colors dimmed by twilight. She's crying and she can't stop, not until the sun dips below the horizon, and then she screams, overcome by a blinding rage. It's enough to send the porgs scurrying away, enough that it feels as if the entire Falcon is rattling from the force of it.
When she's done screaming, she realizes that the bond has snapped open and Ben is there, staring at her. Her chest is heaving and her face is wet and when she sees him, she wants to scream again, but she doesn't.
"Come to the Falcon," she demands, sounding wrecked, like she's been ripped apart and sewn back together. "Right now."
And then she slams the bond shut, feeling it echo inside of her mind as she lets out another loud yell, because she doesn't know what else to do with everything suddenly inside of her.
Entry tags:
(no subject)
Someone handed Rey a flyer for the party on the street, as casual as anything, and she very nearly threw it away. Something stopped her, even though she knew she wouldn't go. A fancy party to celebrate love? What place did she have there?
She tries to put it out of her mind, but it gnaws on her the entire day. Curiosity ends up getting the better of her and after dark she makes her way to the mansion. She leans against a wall across the street, watching people dressed in beautiful, elegant clothing make their way inside. The women all have their faces painted and their hair expertly coiffed, and it's foolish, but Rey looks down at the hooded sweatshirt and black leggings she's wearing and feels inferior.
Her value is not in the way she looks, or the clothes that she wears. She knows that. Still, it does remind her of all that she's missed out on. She's never worn a dress, never had her face painted up, and she knows it's silly but she can't help but to imagine what she might look like, if even for a night.
And that isn't saying anything of the romance. There are hearts and flowers everywhere, and she watches couples holding hands and swapping kisses as they go into the party. That's another thing she's never experienced and she feels a surge of longing for something that she can't quite put a name to.
At least she knows that she's ridiculous, standing out in the cold and staring at a party she doesn't belong at, but she can't quite seem to make herself go back to her empty apartment.
She's just so lonely, even in this place full of so much life, and she lets out a shuddering breath as she waits for it to pass.
She tries to put it out of her mind, but it gnaws on her the entire day. Curiosity ends up getting the better of her and after dark she makes her way to the mansion. She leans against a wall across the street, watching people dressed in beautiful, elegant clothing make their way inside. The women all have their faces painted and their hair expertly coiffed, and it's foolish, but Rey looks down at the hooded sweatshirt and black leggings she's wearing and feels inferior.
Her value is not in the way she looks, or the clothes that she wears. She knows that. Still, it does remind her of all that she's missed out on. She's never worn a dress, never had her face painted up, and she knows it's silly but she can't help but to imagine what she might look like, if even for a night.
And that isn't saying anything of the romance. There are hearts and flowers everywhere, and she watches couples holding hands and swapping kisses as they go into the party. That's another thing she's never experienced and she feels a surge of longing for something that she can't quite put a name to.
At least she knows that she's ridiculous, standing out in the cold and staring at a party she doesn't belong at, but she can't quite seem to make herself go back to her empty apartment.
She's just so lonely, even in this place full of so much life, and she lets out a shuddering breath as she waits for it to pass.
Entry tags:
debut [for ben]
There's a moment that Rey realizes that this is the end of her story. She can feel the life draining out of her, but she isn't afraid of death, not anymore. How can she be, when with it comes the hope of new life for generations to come? She had won not just the battle, but the entire war, and her work is done.
Rey has spent her entire life searching for answers, always trying to find them in other people, but as she lays on the cold stone and stares up at the sky, she knows exactly who she is. The answer was inside her all along.
She is Rey, and her choices were all her own. Perhaps her life is ending just at the moment it truly begins, but she is content with that. There a certain amount of peace in knowing that her destiny has been fulfilled, and her friends can go on to live safe, happy lives. Her story may be over, but it will never die. The people she loves will live to tell it, and she will never truly be gone.
It's easy to give herself over to the Force. She fades away into it, and as the last breath leaves her lungs she hopes only to see those she's lost on the other side. Because even in death, she has hope. Be with me.
Then it's all over, and she can rest.
Power surges through Rey's body like a live wire, reawakening every nerve as blood pumps once more through her heart, and her eyes snap open as she sucks in a deep, gasping breath. She had thought her fight was over, her journey complete, but perhaps there is more work to be done.
Once she's on her feet, she holds out her hand and feels Luke's saber-- her saber-- fly into it, but before she can light it she comes to realize that she is no longer on Exegol. It is cold and dark, but this isn't the place she took her last breath.
The place she stands now is a clearing surrounded by trees, green and lush despite the snow falling down onto them, and her. Evergreen, they're called. They refuse to die, even when the world around them is cold and inhospitable. It makes sense that she would be reborn here, among them.
Rey blinks the snow from her eyelashes and reaches out around her, holding one trembling hand out tentatively. The energy that surges up to meet her is entirely unfamiliar and she gasps as it envelopes her. For as cold and dark as her current surroundings are, the place she's in is teeming with life. It's all around her-- joy and sorrow, light and dark. Violence and peace.
And Ben.
She feels it as suddenly as if she had been shocked and she lets the sensation flow through her, letting it warm her from the inside out as she reaches for him. Be with me, she thinks, pushing it through the bond as she looks around with wide eyes.
In all the chaos on Exegol, she thought that he had perished. Maybe he had, and she had too, and this is what comes after. In this precise moment, everything they've been through, everything he's done-- none of it matters. He's familiar to her in a place where nothing else is, and he's the only one that she can feel. More than that, she can feel the light within him.
"Ben," she says, breathing out the name to give it new life in this strange place. "You're here."
Rey has spent her entire life searching for answers, always trying to find them in other people, but as she lays on the cold stone and stares up at the sky, she knows exactly who she is. The answer was inside her all along.
She is Rey, and her choices were all her own. Perhaps her life is ending just at the moment it truly begins, but she is content with that. There a certain amount of peace in knowing that her destiny has been fulfilled, and her friends can go on to live safe, happy lives. Her story may be over, but it will never die. The people she loves will live to tell it, and she will never truly be gone.
It's easy to give herself over to the Force. She fades away into it, and as the last breath leaves her lungs she hopes only to see those she's lost on the other side. Because even in death, she has hope. Be with me.
Then it's all over, and she can rest.
Power surges through Rey's body like a live wire, reawakening every nerve as blood pumps once more through her heart, and her eyes snap open as she sucks in a deep, gasping breath. She had thought her fight was over, her journey complete, but perhaps there is more work to be done.
Once she's on her feet, she holds out her hand and feels Luke's saber-- her saber-- fly into it, but before she can light it she comes to realize that she is no longer on Exegol. It is cold and dark, but this isn't the place she took her last breath.
The place she stands now is a clearing surrounded by trees, green and lush despite the snow falling down onto them, and her. Evergreen, they're called. They refuse to die, even when the world around them is cold and inhospitable. It makes sense that she would be reborn here, among them.
Rey blinks the snow from her eyelashes and reaches out around her, holding one trembling hand out tentatively. The energy that surges up to meet her is entirely unfamiliar and she gasps as it envelopes her. For as cold and dark as her current surroundings are, the place she's in is teeming with life. It's all around her-- joy and sorrow, light and dark. Violence and peace.
And Ben.
She feels it as suddenly as if she had been shocked and she lets the sensation flow through her, letting it warm her from the inside out as she reaches for him. Be with me, she thinks, pushing it through the bond as she looks around with wide eyes.
In all the chaos on Exegol, she thought that he had perished. Maybe he had, and she had too, and this is what comes after. In this precise moment, everything they've been through, everything he's done-- none of it matters. He's familiar to her in a place where nothing else is, and he's the only one that she can feel. More than that, she can feel the light within him.
"Ben," she says, breathing out the name to give it new life in this strange place. "You're here."