strongerthanblood | debut [for ben]

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ben solo

debut [for ben]

There's a moment that Rey realizes that this is the end of her story. She can feel the life draining out of her, but she isn't afraid of death, not anymore. How can she be, when with it comes the hope of new life for generations to come? She had won not just the battle, but the entire war, and her work is done.

Rey has spent her entire life searching for answers, always trying to find them in other people, but as she lays on the cold stone and stares up at the sky, she knows exactly who she is. The answer was inside her all along.

She is Rey, and her choices were all her own. Perhaps her life is ending just at the moment it truly begins, but she is content with that. There a certain amount of peace in knowing that her destiny has been fulfilled, and her friends can go on to live safe, happy lives. Her story may be over, but it will never die. The people she loves will live to tell it, and she will never truly be gone.

It's easy to give herself over to the Force. She fades away into it, and as the last breath leaves her lungs she hopes only to see those she's lost on the other side. Because even in death, she has hope. Be with me.

Then it's all over, and she can rest.

Power surges through Rey's body like a live wire, reawakening every nerve as blood pumps once more through her heart, and her eyes snap open as she sucks in a deep, gasping breath. She had thought her fight was over, her journey complete, but perhaps there is more work to be done.

Once she's on her feet, she holds out her hand and feels Luke's saber-- her saber-- fly into it, but before she can light it she comes to realize that she is no longer on Exegol. It is cold and dark, but this isn't the place she took her last breath.

The place she stands now is a clearing surrounded by trees, green and lush despite the snow falling down onto them, and her. Evergreen, they're called. They refuse to die, even when the world around them is cold and inhospitable. It makes sense that she would be reborn here, among them.

Rey blinks the snow from her eyelashes and reaches out around her, holding one trembling hand out tentatively. The energy that surges up to meet her is entirely unfamiliar and she gasps as it envelopes her. For as cold and dark as her current surroundings are, the place she's in is teeming with life. It's all around her-- joy and sorrow, light and dark. Violence and peace.

And Ben.

She feels it as suddenly as if she had been shocked and she lets the sensation flow through her, letting it warm her from the inside out as she reaches for him. Be with me, she thinks, pushing it through the bond as she looks around with wide eyes.

In all the chaos on Exegol, she thought that he had perished. Maybe he had, and she had too, and this is what comes after. In this precise moment, everything they've been through, everything he's done-- none of it matters. He's familiar to her in a place where nothing else is, and he's the only one that she can feel. More than that, she can feel the light within him.

"Ben," she says, breathing out the name to give it new life in this strange place. "You're here."

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For a moment she’s worried that he will pull away, but he doesn’t. His thumbs slide along the backs of her hands and for a moment she feels settled. It’s best not to examine it too closely, she thinks.

The mention of Leia makes her blink, sniffling quietly as a tear rolls down her cheek. Ben pulls away and Rey blinks a few more times, wiping her face before reaching for her own fork. She takes a few bites of her eggs, mostly to give herself a few moments to think.

“I can be proud of a choice you made without forgetting everything that came before it,” she finally says, lifting her gaze to his face. As Kylo Ren, he did despicable things. Terrible, awful things. And that is what has her so conflicted. How can she feel such a longing for someone who was once such a monster?

But she understands him better now. She knows the kinds of voices that were in his head, and while that doesn’t excuse the things he did, it does make her feel for him. She knows for herself how compelling the darkness can be, and how even she was nearly seduced by it.

“I saw a vision of us on the throne, ruling the Sith together,” she admits quietly, swallowing hard as she picks at her eggs. “It was one choice away from being a reality.”

She thinks of Kylo offering his hand that final time, and how she had been frozen with indecision for longer than she would care to admit. “We both went the right way, in the end. I couldn’t have had the strength to do what I did, to kill Palpatine and end it all, if you hadn’t been there.”

Another tear falls and she rolls her lips into her mouth for a moment before reaching up to wipe it away. “If you did die, as you say you did, then you died as Ben Solo. And I am proud to know him.”

His head bobbed in a stiff nod, picking at his own eggs, the yolks spilling out a rich yellow across his plate.

"I'm glad it wasn't," he admitted, one corner of his mouth twitching into a very faint smile. He had thought of it so often. Dreamed about it. Fantasized. The two of them, ruling side by side, bringing about a new order to the galaxy. Lies fed to him by Snoke, by Palpatine, all thoughts which he'd foolishly tricked himself into believing were his own. He'd lapped them up eagerly, ever the obedient attack dog.

"And now, it seems, I have to live as him. That's the hard part, isn't it?"

Edited 2020-01-21 03:37 (UTC)

"So am I," she replies, letting her eyes catch on that faint uptick of the corner of his mouth. Suddenly, she wants nothing more than to see him smile. Maybe now she'll get a chance.

"Maybe it will be hard, but I happen to be fond of Ben Solo," she admits, with more levity than she feels. Perhaps it's a bold admission, and maybe she's too overwhelmed to sort out her feelings, but she can't deny what's right in front of her. "I'm glad you're alive."

I did want to take your hand. Spoken right after she struck a blow to end his life. There is no such thing as reason, not when it comes to this man. She'll feel everything, all of it, all at once.

Her hand trembles as she tries to hold her fork, so she sets it down to reach for one of the pieces of meat on the plate in front of her. The smell of it is delightful, even to her nervous stomach, and she takes a small bite. It's delicious enough to draw her attention, eyes widening a bit as she chews.

"I am also glad for bacon," she admits, giving him a small smile as she picks up another strip and holds it out to him. "I am too tired to come to any other conclusions at the moment."

Her admission, however innocent, was not something he was prepared to examine. It felt unfair to argue, however skeptical he might have been. It seemed impossible that she might have known Ben Solo, when he hardly knew himself, but from the beginning, she'd seen something in him he thought long buried.

"That is one thing this place has going for it," he agreed wryly, his lips pressed into a thin line, as close to a smile as he was able to give her, as he took her offering.

As he reaches out to take the bacon from her, her gaze drops once more to his hands. She can’t seem to stop herself, and she wonders why. Perhaps it because the only time she ever saw them vulnerably bare brought with it the strongest sense of connection she’s ever felt to another person.

In any case, she decides that she doesn’t have to sort out her feelings for Ben Solo right now. What she is sure of, at least, is that they are no longer a threat to each other. They’ve reached a sort of truce in this strange place, and that will have to do for now.

Now that the intense moment has passed, she allows herself to eat the rest of her food. It is one of the best meals she’s ever had, she thinks. She’s barely eaten in days, but she’s sure that it would be good anyway.

Once she’s had her fill, she wipes her mouth on a napkin and looks over at Ben again. This is the longest they’ve ever been together in one place, and each time she looks up to find him there, it seems a little less shocking.

“You mentioned living quarters,” she says, breaking the quiet that seems to have fallen over them. “How do I find out where I am meant to go?”

"The train station. It's not far from here," he said, laying his own napkin across his empty plate. "I can take you there, if you'd like."

Sliding from the booth, he pulled out his wallet as he made his way to the register near the front. It was a clumsy process, counting out unfamiliar money, but he'd grown more accustomed to it over the last couple of weeks.

Besides, it gave him a much needed reprieve from sitting across from her, having her look at him as if she could see right through him.

"I would," she says simply. For a moment she hates that he already knows so much more than her in this new, strange place, because for once she would like to be on equal footing when it comes to knowledge. But then it passes, and she's just grateful that he's there to show her where to go.

She turns to watch him go, and then faces front to give herself a moment to breathe. It all feels a little like a dream, like she'll wake up and--

And what? Maybe Ben is wrong. For as much as he says that she's alive somewhere, she feels a seed of doubt growing. Maybe she just needs to rest.

After finishing her juice, she slides out of the booth and steps up next to Ben, watching curiously as he counts out unfamiliar currency. A small coin rolls off of the counter and she shoots her hand out to grab it before it falls, leaning in to set it with the rest.

"Thank you," she says, and for a moment she isn't sure why. "For the food."

His expression was clouded as he shuffled aside, allowing her room to set the coin down on the counter.

"You're welcome," he murmured with a faint nod, a twitch of something that might have been the start of a smile gracing his lips.

Pushing open the door, he held it for her without thought, his shoulders hunched against the cold.

"It isn't far."

Ben Solo has good manners. Rey isn't really used to being on the receiving end of good manners, and she looks at his arm holding open the door for a moment before stepping toward it. The motion makes her pass by him, feeling the warmth of his broad chest, and she pauses in front of him for a brief moment before moving out onto the street.

She still has his coat, and she looks over at him once they're outside, surprised all over again at what a presence he is. She had thought that the clothes were a large part of what made Kylo Ren so imposing but here now, without all those layers, he still looms just as large.

But less imposing, now, with his sweater hanging loosely from his shoulders as his hair fluttering in the cool breeze. After a moment she realizes that she's been staring, and she clears her throat as she turns away.

"I would offer you your coat back," she says once they start walking and she sees him shiver, "but something tells me you wouldn't take it."

"You don't know me as well as you think," he countered, though it was without its usual bitterness, and before she could change her offer, he gave her a slight shake of his head, holding up a hand to stop her.

"You'll have to give it back eventually. I'm not walking all the way home without it."

This, at least, is familiar territory.

Rey swallows hard, jaw working as she looks ahead. She shrugs out of the coat and tosses it over his arm, covering the hand that he’s held up to stop her, and lifts her chin as she forbids her body to give a single shiver.

“I’d rather you just take it now then,” she says coolly, walking a few paces ahead of him until she realizes that she has no idea where to go. She stands there, glowering at the snow dusted street, and looks over at him once he catches up.

“If you just point me in the right direction,” she tells him with a slight furrow of her brow, “I can go myself.”

She was angry. Or if not that, she was hurt. He could feel it roiling within her, her feelings a crackling, physical presence looming between them.

It wasn't what he'd intended, but this was new territory. She seemed in need of comfort, or at least reassurance, and he had no idea how to give it to her.

"No, I wanted you to have it," he said, his coat held between both hands, feeling more ridiculous than he had in a long time.

"If you go that direction, you'll hit the tracks, then you can follow them south," he said, with a jerk of his chin ahead of them. "If you prefer to go alone."

Rey gives him a watery glare over her shoulder, because he should know better than anyone that she doesn’t want to be alone. It’s the first thing he ever learned about her.

Surely he has also learned how stubborn she can be, which is why she clenches her jaw and looks away for a long moment. A part of her wants to storm away from him, but she can’t quite seem to get her feet to move.

“Don’t say that I don’t know you. Not now,” she says as she whirls fo face him, staring up at his face without any hint of being intimidated by his size. “I know enough.”

Rey stares up at him, doing her best to look menacing, but her body gives a full shiver and she huffs as she reaches out to pull the coat from his hands. “I suppose you’ll have to come if you want this back.”

And then she does storm off, but it’s lacking some of its vigor as she swirls the coat around her and shoves her arms inside, drowning herself in black fabric.

"You do," he conceded, contrite in a way he rarely allowed himself to be. As she charged away from him, her anger and her loneliness and pain a physical thing crackling between them, as it always was.

He did know her, and she knew him, and that was the miraculous problem, wasn't it?

Sighing, he followed just a bit behind.

"It's this way," he said as they approached the station, stepping front only to lead her down the stairs towards the Information booth.

Ben follows behind her, a dark shadow that looms, but she would be lying if she said she didn’t find comfort in it. She knows that he would never let any harm come to her.

Now that he isn’t the one trying to cause it.

They walk in silence, and Rey lets him take the lead as she looks around the space with obvious curiosity. Her attention is so taken up by the train racing by that she walks into his back at the end of the stairs, and then murmurs an apology before stepping up to the Information booth.

“Hello,” says a woman with eyes that seem a little too wide. “Name?”

“Rey,” she answers, and feels her own eyes widen when the woman asks for her last name. It’s a question she’s gotten many times, one that always hurts, but this is the first time that she’s been faced with it since learning of her true lineage. She inhales sharply and takes half a step back, shaking her head a little. She thinks of names she would like to have, that she would be proud of— Skywalker, Organa. Solo. But they are not hers. After so many years of wondering, she finally has a name and she doesn’t even want it. “I don’t— it’s just Rey.”

The woman nods and slides an envelope across the counter. There is something written on it and for a moment she’s terrified that she’ll see it there, in irrefutable print. Rey Palpatine.

But no, it says only Rey, and she feels her eyes stinging embarrassingly as she stutters out a thank you and takes the envelope. She turns around and almost bumps into Ben again, pausing to give him a look that she hopes isn’t desperately sad before she goes to rush back up the stairs, suddenly wanting to be back outside.

Ben remained a looming shadow behind her. He felt, long before hearing it in her voice, the wretched uncertainty and shame overwhelming her, and he struggled against the urge to reach out, either with his mind or his hand, to touch her. The woman behind her counter floundered, her wide-eyes looking to him for assistance, but she was met only with his warning glare.

"Rey," he called, hurrying after her. "You're exhausted. We shouldn't go on foot."

Catching up with her, he reached out to take the envelope from her hands, intent on opening it and finding her lodging assignment.

She nearly jumps at the sound of his voice, swallowing hard as he takes the envelope. No one has ever said her name quite like he does, the sound of it low and rich. Almost warm.

A part of her wants to protest, but she knows that he’s right. She can’t even remember the last time she actually slept, but it must have been days ago, and worlds away. She feels sick with exhaustion, head aching, and she merely nods as she drifts closer to him.

He digs into the envelope, holding a small card between two of his massive fingers as he roots around for something else, she she reaches out to take what appears to be an identification card. It has her photograph on it, and her name. Rey, no last name printed.

Her brows burrow and she pats at the coat she’s wearing until she finds his billfold and extracts it, opening it to get a look at his card. The picture is a good one, capturing his strong features and intense, sullen eyes, but it’s the name that catches her attention, and the corner of her mouth quirks up as she swipes her thumb across it. Ben Solo.

She doesn’t want to be Rey Palpatine, so she won’t. He doesn’t want to be Kylo Ren anymore, so he won’t. They may not be free, not in this place, but at least they have that.

“What are you looking for?” She shuffles closer and grabs his arm, pressing up onto her toes to try and get a look at the paper he seems so concerned with. Stars, he’s tall. “Surely you know how to get there. Is it like a barracks? I’ll take a cot, any cot.”

Perhaps she’s more tired than she even realized.

"It isn't a barracks. You'll have more space than you'll know what to do with," he said offhandedly as he finally found her assignment. Beneath it, was printed the cross street and the nearest stop on the train line.

"We'll take the train," he said, passing the envelop back to her and turning towards the stairs, the movement somehow conveying a flourish without the cape he often wore.

As Ben turns away from her, walking as if he's still commanding an army, Rey realizes that wherever he's taking her, he won't be staying. It makes her falter for a moment, because she had just assumed they'd be staying in the same place. She doesn't even know why.

But apparently she'll be alone, and she should be relieved to have her own space. And she is, in a way, but she'll be alone.

"That isn't a very high bar," she says wryly, and she sees her set up in that hollowed out AT-AT on Jakku in her mind so strongly that she's sure he sees it too. "But alright."

At the base of the stairs, he paused, stating abruptly, "You're not alone."

Before allowing her to respond, Ben turned, leading her towards the ticket kiosk.

He pulled the wallet from his own pocket, feeding a few bills into it and purchasing tickets for them both.

"The place I've been assigned isn't far away," he said, passing her ticket to her. "And we've never let that stop us before."

The words startle her, because she feels them as much as she hears them. Her cheeks flush slightly and she feels herself smile, just a little, before she rushes forward to catch up to him.

"No, we haven't," she says, because it feels important to acknowledge. Knowing that he'll be close by, and even closer still if she wants him to be, is a comfort. And isn't that something?

She takes the paper ticket, strange as it is, and follows Ben onto the train platform to wait. One hip cocks out as she shifts her weight, and she yawns hugely before looking over at Ben. He's standing ramrod straight, and she rolls her eyes as she reaches over to pat his chest with the back of hand. "At ease, solider."

Ben jolted at her touch, and while his face remained impassive, his shoulders did relax by a hair.

Showing her how to scan her ticket to allow them both access through the turnstile, he led her to the platform, where the train was just pulling to a stop. The doors opened and he led her into an empty car.

He chose a seat, a bench parallel to the wall, with space on either side. He slouched, just a bit, finally letting himself feel how exhausted he was.

Rey looks around as she enters the train, taking in the space with a curious eye. By the time she looks back at Ben, he’s seated and slumped a bit, and Rey tries not to think about how he looks just a little inviting.

The train jerks into motion and she regards the bench he’s on and the seat parallel to it before choosing the bench. He’s warm at her side, even with space between them, and she tips her head back against the window as she watches them pass through a dark tunnel.

When the train pulls into its next stop, the motion shifts Rey a little closer to his side. He doesn’t get up, and she realizes that she doesn’t know how long this ride will be. She allows her eyes to close and as the rocking of the train lulls her into a light sleep, her head tips over onto Ben’s shoulder with a soft breath, hands laying open on either side of her thighs.

Edited 2020-02-03 04:04 (UTC)

Ben didn't dare move as the train stuttered over the tracks, Rey's head a warm weight against his shoulder. Breathing slowly, he looked down at his own hands, palms open atop his knees. There ought to have been blood on his hands, he thought, etched permanently into the whorls and lines of his fingerprints, the kind of stain that was impossible to wash away.

He sighed, fingers closing over his palms, his head tipping back against the window.

When they finally pulled into their station, he rested a hand on her shoulder, shaking her gently awake.

"We're here."

Rey hadn't meant to fall asleep. She's always had to be cautious, even in sleep, since she was a little girl. Back to the wall, facing the door. Have a weapon nearby.

That was always the case on Jakku, and even more so in the year after. Rey doesn't just drift off, which is why she's confused when someone is suddenly shaking her awake. When she lifts her head, her surroundings are unfamiliar and she goes tense, heart racing as her head jerks over and she looks at Ben with wide eyes.

She didn't know that his face was so close to hers and it shouldn't relax her to see him there, but it does. She remembers where she is and that she isn't in danger, at least not at the current moment, and she scrubs her hands over her face before nodding and pulling herself to her feet.

When they make it off the train and up onto the street, it's very nearly morning. The sky is tinged with a yellowish gray along the horizon, there over the ocean, and she lets out another huge yawn that she covers with the sleeves of Ben's jacket, since it hangs down over her hands.

"You'll have to carry me if we don't get there soon," she says to Ben, and she isn't even entirely sure that she's joking.

debut [for ben]

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