strongerthanblood | [for ben]

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ben solo

[for ben]

She can't sleep.

For hours, she's tried but something is keeping her awake, some gnawing thing that she can't seem to identify. She gets up to make tea, padding silently through her too big apartment in a pajama set that felt had like a particularly decadent purchase, a soft pink silk tank with thin straps and matching shorts.

Boy shorts, the sales woman had called them. They don't look like anything she's ever seen a boy wear, but she didn't argue. She had thought the set was pretty, and she keeps telling herself that it's okay to get something just because it was pretty. And if a part of the reason she gets it is because maybe she'd like someone else to see it someday, well, she doesn't think on it too hard.

After drinking a cup of tea and doing a little reading, she tries again to go to sleep, but it's futile. She feels too warm, stretched out on one side of the bed with a sheet draped across her legs, and she closes her eyes again to avoid staring up at the ceiling.

She feels so restless, and she allows herself to wonder what Ben is doing, if he's tossing and turning like she is. She thinks of him so often, in a multitude of ways, but right now she thinks of him fondly, wondering what he might look like when he sleeps.

Rey is so busy wondering, in fact, that she doesn't even notice when the mattress subtly dips with added weight.

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As Ben’s hips rock against hers, Rey knows that this is exactly what she wanted when she asked him to hold her. This is what had been keeping her up. She feels him press between her legs and she knows, she knows.

Each press of his mouth is a revelation, and her skin sings at every brush of his against it. Suddenly his shirt is gone and it’s only that scrap of silk between them, the one she thought he might catch a glimpse of in some abstract future.

And now he’s here, mouthing at her skin, and she drags her arm up out of the strap so the material slips further down, making more room for him. She feels like she’s burning, and she arches up against him as heat flares between her legs.

It feels almost like fighting him had, but flipped on its head. Just as intense but now it’s pleasure and need in the clash of their bodies. She never wants it to end, and she wraps her legs around his thighs to keep him there, just where he’s meant to be.

Graceful with a saber, he was clawing and clumsy, now, afraid of not being gentle enough with her. Afraid of being too gentle. Fear was a dangerous thing, but this time, it felt like healthy fear. It felt too similar to the hope, the completion, the acceptance he'd felt in his last moments on Exegol, exhilarating and right.

His broad hand slid along the shape of her body, feeling along the curve of her side, the dip at her waist, the swell of her hip. Higher again, he felt the swell of her breast through the satin of her pajamas, his thumb brushing over the tightened point of her nipple.

He hadn't imagined this. Any of this. He hadn't allowed himself, even in the most abstract of ways. Her hand touching his had seemed an unfathomable revelation, and from that moment on, he had cared for nothing but his obsession with having her at his side. Only he'd been wrong about the how of it, or the why, fixated on the vision of the two of them ruling on a throne together, when that had never been their destiny.

Rey thought she knew everything about her body. She knew just how hard she could work it before exhaustion made her useless. She knew how to move in a fight, how to stretch out muscles sore from overuse.

She hadn’t known that her body could feel like this, lit up like a live wire under his questing hands. When his thumb finds the tight bud of her nipple, she lets out a gasp and buries her fingers in his thick hair, pulling him in for another kiss.

It’s a little clumsy, but she licks into his mouth, curling her tongue behind his teeth. The fabric of her top slips against his skin and she pulls her mouth away, pressing him back only long enough for her to wriggle out of it and toss it aside.

It doesn’t occur to her to feel nervous until she looks up to see him staring down at her with dark eyes and red, swollen lips. His hand is curled around her ribs and she takes a deep breath, chest heaving as she reaches up to touch her fingertips to his mouth.

She’s never done anything like this before, but she knows that she isn’t alone even in the newness of this. Whatever this is, however it works, they’ll figure it out together.

He'd never seen a woman naked.

It hadn't occurred to him until that moment to think that might be strange. She was lean muscle, pale skin, her nipples small and pink. Propped up with one arm braced against the mattress, he found himself staring, dumbstruck.

His eyes finally dragged themselves back up to meet hers, a broad hand resting against her cheek. However inevitable this was, he was shaken by the rawness of it. He couldn't remember a time when he'd felt so physically present. The only thing that had ever come close was being on the battlefield, with her.

"I don't—" He stumbled over his words, suddenly afraid of going too far. Afraid of allowing himself something he didn't deserve.

Edited 2020-03-15 06:22 (UTC)

Ben goes tense under her hands and Rey’s brow furrows slightly until he speaks, and she thinks she understands. They tumbled into this, running on instinct and base desire, and the reality of it is sinking in.

Taking a breath, she reaches up to sweep his hair back from his face, tucking some behind an endearingly large ear before cradling his cheek in her hand.

“It’s okay, Ben,” she assures him, feeling the muscles in her abdomen clench as she lifts her shoulders to press a soft kiss to his lips, drawing him back down with her. “It’s okay.”

Her arms go around his neck and she kisses him again, letting her mouth trail over his chin and along the sharp edge of his jaw until her lips brush against his ear. “I just want you here with me.”

She doesn’t care what they do, not as long as he’s in this bed with her, close enough for her to feel the heat of him. And then, maybe because she wants to say it as much as he needs to hear it, “I trust you.”

It struck him, landing like a physical blow and he let out a strangled huff, the sound forced from him by a surge of something he couldn’t put a name to. Shame like he’d never felt, but also relief. Acceptance. Love.

His vision blurred and he cleared his throat, his head bobbing in a tense nod. Thumbing away a tear threatening to roll down the bridge of his nose, he rolled over onto his back, this time taking her with him.

“You’re beautiful,” he stated, matter of fact, then he repeated the words, as if realizing what they truly meant. “You’re beautiful.”

He tucked an errant strand of her hair behind her ear, looking up at her with complete, naked vulnerability. She could kill him or kiss him and he would thank her for both.

Edited 2020-03-15 06:49 (UTC)

Rey can feel how the words affect him, and her own eyes well up when she sees the moisture in his. Her hand lifts to touch his cheek but suddenly they’re rolling over and she’s sitting astride his hips and looking down at him.

This position makes her feel a little more exposed and vulnerable, bare as she is, but the shock of his declaration immediately chases away any insecurity that she might have felt. Her breath hitches and a tear rolls down her cheek as she rests her hands against his chest.

“Thank you.” The words feel insubstantial, too small to possibly convey how she feels. But he knows, because he can feel it. They were made naked to each other long before they started removing their clothes.

His fingers glide along her cheek and she reaches up to grip his wrist. It’s so big that her fingers can’t quite close around it, and she turns her head to press a kiss to the delicate veins at the underside, where his skin is pale and soft.

“You’re beautiful too,” she tells him as she presses his palm to the center of her chest. She stares down at his face, his gorgeous eyes and pillowy mouth, and the long slope of his neck. She laughs softly, quiet and breathless, smiling as he takes his other hand and rests it on her thigh.

“I want you to touch me,” she assures him, looking down at the wide sprawl of his hand on her chest. “It’s okay.”

Ben choked out a watery laugh, a boyish grin making its way onto his face. This time, instead of being stifled quickly, his smile stayed there, hesitant but unwavering. "Thank you," he echoed back, his eyes bright, fingertips sliding curiously beneath the bottom hem of her shorts to tease the top of her thigh, her skin warm and impossibly soft beneath his hands.

He could feel the staccato tap of her heartbeat beneath his palm, and shifting to sit propped higher against the headboard, he let himself explore her, touching her because she'd asked him to. He felt the weight of her breast in his palm, her skin pebbled beneath his touch, his fingers curving along the line of her ribs. She was small and lean and deadly, smiling at him more brightly than he'd ever thought possible, and he surged up to kiss her again.

His smile changes the landscape of his face, and Rey can’t stop staring at him. She touches the crease in his cheek, following the line of it with her finger as his hands travel across her body. Such big hands, covering so much of her at once.

It’s a new sensation, being touched like this, but she already knows that she never wants it to stop.

The air in the room seems to grow warmer, and she watches as he covers one entire breast with his hand, making her gasp slightly as his palm drags over her nipple. She watches his face as he moves to sit up, bringing them closer together as she sits nestled in the cradle of his lap.

When their mouths meet again, Rey’s hands fly up to frame his face, sliding up into his hair as she parts her lips so that he can explore with his tongue, just as he is with his hands. Her chest presses to his as they kiss, and she slides her hands over the balls of his shoulders, and then down his flanks. Such raw, undeniable strength. This body has been used to do terrible things, has been used in general by ghosts who didn’t deserve to take up space in his mind.

But now this body is hers, and she’ll treat it well. It will never again know pain, never bear another scar, not if she can help it.

Edited 2020-03-15 18:01 (UTC)

His hand slid over her hip, palming the curve of it, then he settled an arm around the small of her back, holding her tight against him as they kissed, taking their time to learn each other's mouths. He cataloged all the ways she gasped when he touched her, the way her hips twitched as the rough pad of his thumb brushed over her nipple, the warmth of her where she sat astride his lap.

He was hard against her, and distantly, it unsettled him that he had so little control over his own body, but if someone else should take control of him, it seemed only natural that it be her.

Ben’s arm settles across her lower back to pull her in, and Rey’s breath hitches as she feels the hard length of him press up against the apex of her thighs. It’s a completely new sensation, one that makes her feel the slightest bit nervous even as she gives into the urge to rock against him, just to feel more of that exquisite pressure.

It’s only when her lungs start to burn that she breaks the kiss, breathing raggedly against his mouth and letting out a small whimper as heat builds between her legs. She pulls back to look at him, eyes bright as she studies his face.

“You’re beautiful,” she says again, breathlessly sincere, and she leans back in to kiss along his jaw, using her thumbs to gently tip his chin up so she can kiss along the long, pale column of his throat, lips pausing over the flutter of his pulse. She lays the flat of her tongue against it, feeling the thrum of it reverberate through her as one hand slides up into his hair.

Embarrassment wasn't a familiar feeling to Kylo Ren, or even to Ben Solo, whose arrogance and intensity left little room for self-consciousness. Unfamiliar emotions were often twisted to anger, and he recalled a time when he might have silenced her in whatever way he could— humiliation or pain or worse.

Instead, he drew in a shuddering breath, his eyes blinking open to look at the ceiling above them, feeling the weight of her and the warmth of her mouth against his throat. He reached out to her through his mind, through their bond, and in response, he noticed the spark of her nerves, the way she squirmed hesitantly in his lap, the stutter of her pulse, but the more urgent curiosity and need growing within her.

"It's all right," he promised her. I feel it, too.

Rey can feel him there, in her mind, and it’s a welcomed presence that soothes her anxieties and makes her feel reassured. Understood. She nods a little and lets herself relax against him, letting the length of him slot up between her legs, where the thin, silky fabric is warm and damp.

After pressing a kiss to the hollow of his throat, letting her tongue sneak out to taste the salt of his skin, she pulls back enough to look at him. This time, she’s the one who puts her hands on his chest, letting them sweep over the rise of his pecs before circling her finger curiously around one small, pebbled nipple. And then she lets her hands drift lower, feeling his abdomen tighten as her fingers skim over the ridges of muscle.

“Ben.” She feels overwhelmed by the enormity of her want, and she lets out a shuddering breath before letting herself fall back against the mattress, legs splayed open across his thighs as she reaches for him. “I don’t—“ She pauses, swallowing hard as her thighs tense under his hands, belly clenching with desire. “I don’t want there to be a single part of me that you haven’t touched.”

"There won't be," he promised, rolling with her without missing a single beat, the two of them moving as one, as they always had. In his mind, he moved with purposeful confidence, but uncharacteristically, he was unable to get his body to fully comply. Instead, his hands trembled as he moved down her body, mouth open against the swell of her breast as he hooked his fingers in the elastic of her shorts and eased them down.

He felt clumsy, boyish, something he'd hated as a child, but somehow, didn't seem so awful now.

The words make her shiver pleasantly, smiling as he moves to cover her with his body. She can feel the slight tremor of his hands and she likes that in this, the rigid confidence of his movements has slipped. They’re fumbling through this together, both of them learning something completely new.

Still, she doesn’t want him to be nervous, so she opens her mind to him as his mouth finds her breast, letting him feel her thrill of pleasure at the curl of his slick tongue around her nipple.

This is what you do to me, she tells him, letting him feel her absolute trust in him as her hips lift so he can remove that last small scrap of clothing from her body. She’s never been naked in front of another person, but she knows that she’s in good hands. His hands, which have overwhelmed her thoughts at night, when she was alone.

Now they’re on her, reducing her to a quivering mess as she arches up for more. She breathes out his name like a plea, sliding her hands down his back until she can push at the waistband of his sweats, keeping the bond open as she feels another pulsing clench of want between her legs.

Edited 2020-03-15 20:40 (UTC)

For a moment, the feedback loop of their pleasure overwhelmed him completely. He froze, panting against the underside of her ribs. Pushing himself up onto one arm, he helped push the last of their clothes out of the way, rumbling out a low laugh as they rushed to kick them to the floor.

The room was dark, but the light from the streetlamps outside cast her in a relief of glowing skin and shadows, and there was a familiarly spirited tilt to her smile. She wasn't afraid of him, or of this.

Setting a hand against the inside of her thigh, he spread her knees open, looking down upon her with an intensity that many found unnerving. "Do you ever touch yourself?" He asked, his tone matter of fact, as if approaching a puzzle to solve. He could look for the answer himself, and she would let him, but he wanted to hear her say it.

Rey looks up at his face and, on a whim, uses her mind to nudge up the light switch in the bathroom. Dim light spills into the room, making it easier to see each other while still maintaining that quiet safety of darkness.

Now, she can better see the expression on his face as he spreads her legs apart, staring down at her with a single-mindedness that makes her chest heave with anticipation. The question makes her grip at the sheets and she lets out a soft, breathy moan, even though he hasn't even touched her yet.

"Sometimes," she admits, squeezing his flanks between her strong thighs. There have been nights where she can't help but to shove her hand down between her legs, fumbling and messy as she rubs at herself and imagines that it was him instead. "More often, since I came here. Do you?"

She thinks of his composure as Kylo Ren, where it seemed that every movement of his body had a distinct purpose, and wonders if he ever allowed himself to feel pleasure. Her head lifts from the bed so she can glance down between their bodies, eyes widening slightly at the size of the hard length jutting out from his body. She imagines his beautiful hand wrapped around it and lets out another soft, needy sound as her head falls back to the bed.

"Sometimes," he echoed, his mouth quirking into a faint smile, "More often, since I came here."

In the glow of the bathroom light, he could see the dark smattering of her freckles, the coarse hair between her thighs, a healing scrape on one of her knees.

"Show me?" He asked, and the request served to purposes: He wanted to see her, to watch her give herself pleasure, but he also needed a bit of instruction. While he wasn't completely without knowledge, the fact of the matter was that he had no idea what he was doing.

A laugh bubbles up out of her at that, warm and fond as she slides her hand up his arm. With the added light, she can better see the smooth expanse of his skin, completely free of scars. All the scars she made.

Her hand slides up over his chest, trailing from one side to the other, and she pauses at his simple request. He sounds almost hopeful, and she finds herself completely enamored with his smooth voice coupled with his intense gaze and boyish sweep of his hair. She would do almost anything, she thinks, if he keeps looking at her like that.

She swallows hard and nods, relaxing back against the bed as she slides one hand down her belly, biting her lip as her fingertips slide through the short curls between her legs.

"Pay very close attention," she says in a warm, lilting voice, smiling up at him as she slides her fingers lower, almost surprised at the amount of wetness she finds there. A blush spreads across her cheeks, rushing down across her chest, but she keeps her eyes on his face as she circles that tight bud of nerves with her fingertip, gasping sharply when she finally allows herself to touch it.

Everything feels so much more intense with him here, staring at her, and she moans as she rubs at herself with tight little circles, hips jerking as she bites her lip. Usually this is enough for her, but sometimes she thinks of his fingers, so she lets out a shuddering breath and spreads herself open with her fingers, wrapping her legs more securely around him as she slowly sinks her middle finger inside of herself.

This doesn't always do much for her, but now it makes her clench down with need because he's so close, and she knows that he could make her body sing. She presses in deeply and grinds her palm against her clitoris, gasping as pleasure shoots through her body, making her nipples tighten as she arches her back.

"I imagined it was you," she admits, because what was once felt almost like a secret shame now feels like something she needs him to know. It's suddenly so important that he know.

What was left of his fragile control shattered, and he let out a strangled groan, his forehead dropping to rest against her own as he took a moment to catch his breath. His length, painfully hard, nudged against the crease of her hip.

Looking down between their bodies, he let his hand join hers, breathing deeply as he pressed the heel of his palm against the back of her hand, feeling the press of her hips as she rutted against the added friction.

He felt a rush of guilt, of regret, that he couldn't say the same. Before, he hadn't let it occur to him. For all his talk about the two of them being destined to be one, he had assumed their bond would be one of power and politics, and anything more he might've wanted was a product of his weakness. Now, in Darrow, he hadn't allowed himself to think of her, because it seemed a violation. He'd demanded so much from her, and killing his selfish fantasies of what she ought to be to him felt like the only way to put Kylo Ren to rest, once and for all.

But she was here now, asking, giving permission, and he was weak. But he thought, maybe, there were certain weaknesses worth nurturing.

His breath hitching, he found that he was able to slide a finger into her alongside her own, and he mimicked the movement of her hand, curling that long finger upward, deeper than she was able to manage on her own. "Let me," he asked breathlessly, and there was a base messiness to the act he'd never considered. The Jedi were not meant to give in to physical desires, and he understood for the first time how easily one might become obsessed with such things.

Rey can feel the moment that he gives himself over fully, like the final string holding him back has been cut. Her hands slide up his back as he leans in, fingers pressing into muscle as she pulls him closer, closer.

His mind is more open like this and Rey gasps at the rush of emotion she feels from him, shaking her head a little and shushing him with quiet reassurance. It's alright; he's here now.

The thick press of his finger makes her gasp, rocking up against the weight of his palm. This is the most she's ever been pressed open and he can reach so much deeper, to spots she couldn't. It's like nothing she's ever felt and she nods, thighs trembling as she pulls her hand away to grip his arm instead, feeling the muscles there flex as he curls his finger in a way that makes her let out a startled yelp.

She can feel his desire for her, like a fire out of control, and it only stokes her own need. Being wanted like this prods at some deep-seated ball of worry in her chest, her last shred of fear over being alone, and burns it away. She's free of it as long as she's here, with him. And she'll have to be, because he's a part of her.

At one time he wanted her to rule at his side, but this is how they were meant to be. Just them, just this. Now, she'll always be at his side. I'll never leave you.

"You need to tell me what you want," he admitted in a rush, his lips against the curve of her cheek. While he knew, the truth of it raging between them without a word needing to be spoken, it wasn't something he could take without first being asked.

"Tell me," he breathed, pleading desperately. Let me.

The back of his thumb brushed against the tight bundle of flesh he'd watched her touch moments before, and she jolted, her eyes wide and shining. He shifted the angle of his wrist, giving her more friction to press against.

Rey nods in understanding, swallowing hard as she clutches at him. It isn't just that he isn't sure what to do, and she lets out a shuddering breath as she cards her fingers through her hair, dragging her nails soothingly along his scalp. If he needs her to tell him what to do, she will.

"I'll show you," she says quietly, reaching between them to curl her hand around his wrist. With her other hand, she pushes at his shoulder until he pulls back enough to see where his finger is pressed so deeply into her body. She tugs at his wrist until the digit nearly leaves her body and then pulls him back in, watching his face as she sets an easy rhythm, rocking her hips up against his hand.

"Like this," she tells him breathlessly, nodding jerkily before letting out another soft moan. "Keep doing that with your thumb, and-- and give me another finger, but do it slowly."

Mouth parted, he took her instructions dutifully, propped up on one arm and seated nearly on his haunches as he watched his finger disappear inside of her, easier with each slide.

He was struck by the strange newness of the moment, the absurd normality of it, and he caught her eyes, a bright, crooked grin flickering across his face.

"Now neither of us are sleeping," he said, tentatively playful, even as he slid a second finger into her, just as she'd asked.

The smile on his face makes Rey nearly as breathless as the movement of his finger, and she relaxes her grip on his wrist so that she's merely holding on instead of guiding him.

"I'm sorry, are you tired?" She volleys back, encouraging the playfulness of his tone. Her mouth opens to say something else, but any words she may have formed are wiped completely from her mind as he presses a second finger into her body. There's a slight sting as her body adjusts to the stretch and she slides her fingers up from his wrist to spread more of her slick where she's spread open, pressing down on his knuckles to keep him from moving for a moment.

"You have such big hands," she murmurs, feeling a little dazed as her body clenches down around his fingers. After only a brief moment, she pulls her hand away to grip his wrist with wet fingers, urging him to continue. "Curl them in a little, like you did earlier. That felt--"

She doesn't get to finish before he complies and she lets out a strangled cry, hips jerking as he presses up a spot inside of her that makes her see stars. "I-- I didn't know that was there. Wow."

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