[for ben]

[strongerthanblood]

She can't sleep.

For hours, she's tried but something is keeping her awake, some gnawing thing that she can't seem to identify. She gets up to make tea, padding silently through her too big apartment in a pajama set that felt had like a particularly decadent purchase, a soft pink silk tank with thin straps and matching shorts.

Boy shorts, the sales woman had called them. They don't look like anything she's ever seen a boy wear, but she didn't argue. She had thought the set was pretty, and she keeps telling herself that it's okay to get something just because it was pretty. And if a part of the reason she gets it is because maybe she'd like someone else to see it someday, well, she doesn't think on it too hard.

After drinking a cup of tea and doing a little reading, she tries again to go to sleep, but it's futile. She feels too warm, stretched out on one side of the bed with a sheet draped across her legs, and she closes her eyes again to avoid staring up at the ceiling.

She feels so restless, and she allows herself to wonder what Ben is doing, if he's tossing and turning like she is. She thinks of him so often, in a multitude of ways, but right now she thinks of him fondly, wondering what he might look like when he sleeps.

Rey is so busy wondering, in fact, that she doesn't even notice when the mattress subtly dips with added weight.

Comments

[weakandfoolish]

Still trembling in her arms, Ben let out a rough burst of laughter, tension deep in his chest releasing on the exhale. Lifting a shaky hand to her hair, he slumped against the sofa's lumpy cushions and returned her murmured, "Hi."

He wondered, distantly, if they were somehow putting one another in danger, indulging in something so intense. Immediately, it occurred to him what a silly thought it was, considering that sex was nothing more than a biological function that most would experience in throughout their lifetimes.

"At this rate, we'll need to shower again."

[strongerthanblood]

"Mm, you'll survive being a little sweaty, you prince," Rey says with a fond laugh, leaning in to shove her nose behind one of his ears. "Besides, I like the way you smell."

They stay like that until he starts to soften inside of her, and she climbs off of him with trembling legs, frowning slightly at the loss of him. She feels a trickle of fluid along the crease of her thigh and somehow still possesses the ability to blush a little, even as she carefully tucks him back into his sweats.

"I do need to clean up a little," she tells him, kissing the tip of his nose before grabbing her discarded underwear and wobbling towards the bathroom. The mess between her legs isn't nearly as appealing when she isn't in his arms, and her nose wrinkles as she uses the last of the toilet paper roll to clean up. Ducking down, she opens the cabinet under the sink to grab another and her eyes fall on the box of tampons sitting there next to them.

The tampons for her monthly bleed. That she finished a week ago. Because her body is full of reproductive parts.

Rey's whole body flushes as her stomach sinks, and she presses her forehead to the cool wood of the cabinet for a moment before forcing herself to stand. She pulls on her underwear and breathes, trying not to panic, though her stomach is twisted in knots.

"Ben?" She stops at the end of the hall, biting her lip as she links her fingers together nervously. "I think we might have forgotten something. Last night. And-- and twice today."

[weakandfoolish]

Smiling blearily, Ben managed to pull up the elastic of his pants, his long limbs sprawled in an uncharacteristically ungainly way. He sat up with a groan, reaching for his cold coffee, nose wrinkling faintly at the bitter, slightly stale taste of it.

When she returned, he frowned at the nervousness radiating from her, panic roiling within her like a physical presence. We might have forgotten something... He stared at her, uncomprehending.

Then, her thoughts, as loud as they always were, came to him in a jumbled rush. "Oh," he said, feeling younger than he had in a long time. "Oh, I. Um."

He was suddenly overcome with embarrassment, not wanting to admit that he only had a vague notion of how that sort of thing was dealt with, in their world or this one. Before the previous night, it had never occurred to him that he might need to keep up with the details.

[strongerthanblood]

They stare at each other for a long moment and Rey chews nervously at her thumb nail as she thinks. This is— well, it isn’t great. She remembers what Ben said about the Jedi and their lack of personal attachments, and it makes sense that he wouldn’t have thought about it. She knows that she probably should have, but she couldn’t think of anything but how badly she wanted him.

“It’s— it’ll be okay,” Rey says after a moment, pushing her hair back from her face and putting it up in a messy bun with the elastic around her wrist. “I talked to someone when I got here. They mentioned a— like a clinic? Where you can—“

She turns and goes into the bedroom without continuing, swallowing hard has she pulls off the sweater and jerkily pulls on a pair of leggings. They have to figure this out because she can’t— she just can’t. “Ben! Come get dressed.”

[weakandfoolish]

Scrambling to his feet, Ben followed her into the bedroom, some of his earlier stupor fading.

"Rey, we'll be all right," he said, reaching for his sweater and pulling it on over his head. He looked down at his clothes, which were clearly meant for sleep, and heaved a sigh.

"I'm now seeing the err in rushing over without putting on clothes."

[strongerthanblood]

"Oh, now you're an optimist," Rey says as he grabs his sweater, turning to look at him with her hands on her hips. She still isn't wearing a shirt, but she's pretty sure she's done feeling self-conscious around him. Especially right now. “Trust me, you rushing over in your sleep clothes was the best idea at the time. It made me feel— wanted.”

She does feel slightly reassured, so she pulls on a tank top and then a thin sweatshirt, zipping it halfway up before coming over to press her face to his shoulder for a moment.

"We can go to your place so you can change," she says into his sweater. "And then to the clinic."

[weakandfoolish]

"I've always been an optimist," he claimed, which was, in a way, not untrue. "My idea of an optimal outcome was what differed from yours."

Pressing his palm to the small of her back, he murmured, "You were." Then, a brief pause. "You are."

Finding his shoes in her living room, he stepped into them, then nodded, fishing his phone from his pocket and leading her to the door. "I'll call a car."

[strongerthanblood]

Rey can’t help but to let out a small laugh. He has always spoken differently than her, more clipped and formal. He takes his time with his words whereas Rey doesn’t, and it used to make her feel inferior. It doesn’t anymore. They’re just different, and she likes the way he talks.

Especially when he says kind things, like how she’s wanted. It isn’t as if she’s unaware, considering their bond, but there is something special about hearing the words.

He pulls away and Rey takes a deep breath, steeling herself as she finds her own shoes and puts them on. She grabs her wallet and her phone. And her keys. So many little things she never needed before. After shoving them all in the pockets of her hoodie, she follows Ben out into the courtyard, squinting against the late morning sun.

“I learned how to drive a car, did I tell you?” She says, sounding proud of herself. “A truck, actually, but I assume it’s much the same.”

[weakandfoolish]

"You didn't," he said, falling into step at her side. It was still strange, walking along with her. Standing side by side. Living life in each other's orbit, instead of constantly crashing together only to have her run from him.

"I can't imagine it was much of a challenge," he said, with a hint of respect. "You're a natural pilot." His lips twitched, struggling to hide a smirk. "You're almost as good a pilot as me."

[strongerthanblood]

"Almost?" Rey asks with a laugh, shoving at his side as they reach the sidewalk. She knows that he's goading her, but she can still pick up on the praise in his voice. If he says she's a good pilot, she must be. "I'd challenge you to a race if I could."

Ben leads the way to his apartment, and when he lets them inside, Rey realizes that this is the first time she has been in his space. She looks around with open curiosity, smiling at the sight of a small stack of books on a table next to an arm chair.

"Go get dressed," she tells him as she goes over to fall into the chair, crossing her legs as she pulls her phone out of her pocket. "I'll look up the address."

[weakandfoolish]

The apartment was sparse, but still appeared lived in, with books stacked in various places, and a coat draped over an empty armchair.

His quarters on the Star Destroyer had been sparse, sterile. Now, he longed for something a bit more like a home.

Ducking into his bedroom, he quickly changed out of his pajamas and into a pair of black jeans and a black v-neck shirt. Taking a brief moment to run his fingers through his unruly hair, he stepped back out into the living room, glancing up at her as he bent to tie his boots.

"You'll have to teach me to drive," he decided. "Then we'll race."

[strongerthanblood]

"I see you're sticking to a particular color scheme," Rey says as he exits his bedroom, looking up from her phone to smirk at him. Truth is, he looks good in black and to Rey in particular, the dark clothing still looks kind of exotic. It was nearly unheard of to see someone on Jakku dressed in all black, not with the heat and the searing sun.

"I can do that." Her smile turns into a slow grin, because she likes knowing that she has something that she can teach him. The idea of racing is even more appealing, because while she certainly doesn't miss being at odds with him, sometimes she does miss going up against him, and the fire he burns beneath her. "I'll teach you how to drive, and then beat you in a race."

She smirks at him and then returns her gaze to her phone, letting her expression go more serious as she reads and bites her thumbnail. She pauses on a certain passage, eyes widening as she jumps to her feet.

"Morning after pills can be used after sex to stop a pregnancy before it starts," she reads, looking up at Ben with open relief before crinkling her nose in amusement. "Well, that's clever, isn't it? So we just need to go get one of these pills, and then decide what to do going forward."

A instinctual stab of insecurity rises up from somewhere inside of her, but she easily pushes it away once she remembers how Ben had looked at her. How he felt. Her issues with abandonment won't just go away overnight, but she's very certain that they're on the same page here. "I assume you want to keep doing-- that. With me."

[weakandfoolish]

Ben looked down at himself, his mouth twitching faintly at the corner. "It's easier. You have fewer choices to make, if you wear all one color."

At her challenge, he huffed out a breath of laughter. "You can try."

With his boots tied, he rose to his feet, meeting her by the door. She looked up at him, and even if he hadn't been able to read the uncertainty etched across her face, he could feel it, twisting within his own chest as if it were his own.

"I'm here, aren't I?"

[strongerthanblood]

"Yeah, you're here," she says breathlessly, happily. Her gaze is full of wonder as she looks at him and then she pulls herself together, turning to lead him out of the apartment.

The clinic is sort of invasive and uncomfortable, but Rey does get some amusement at seeing Ben perched in one of the uncomfortable chairs, looking very stoic just under a large poster detailing female reproductive anatomy.

She leaves with a morning after pill and another small packet of pills that she has to take every day to prevent pregnancy, but she still has to have her monthly bleed which seems wholly unfair. It's worth it, however, if it means that she gets to keep being with Ben without any barriers between them.

They stop at a coffee shop so they can get something to drink, and she washes the pill down with some iced tea. It eases her anxiety over the situation and she smiles up at him, almost shy as she reaches for his hand.

They head back toward her apartment, where they'll spend the rest of the day together. And maybe, if she has her way, the rest of forever.